Pregnancy, Birth, & All Things Motherhood with Alison Sudol
In this interview, the incredibly creative actor/singer/songwriter, Alison Sudol, opens up about her experiences of loss, pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. Written with vulnerability, Alison shares her journey of heartbreak and healing after a miscarriage, her expectations vs. reality of labor, the dichotomy of motherhood versus Hollywood glamour, and creativity in motherhood. Alison’s words make us all feel heard, understood, and connected in this motherhood journey.
You can listen to Alison’s newly released album here: Still Come The Night
Introduction
Can you give me a little background on yourself?
I’m a musician and actor. I got my first record deal when I was 21 and made music under the pseudonym A Fine Frenzy. I made three records and an EP at EMI before the wheels came off that project and I was dropped from the label. Years of being on a major label and undiagnosed depression, anxiety and ADHD took their toll and my mental health wasn’t in a great state at that point, so at 27 I took a break from music and started acting. I didn’t expect to work, since I’d grown up in LA and knew how brutal an industry it was- both at the time and looking back, it seemed like a insane choice given how vulnerable and flat I felt at the time but I needed to find a different form of creative expression and I’m crap at pottery. By some crazy stroke of luck or fate, I found myself auditioning for Transparent, which ended up being my first job. Such a beautiful thing to be a part of. A couple of years later I found myself in the Harry Potter prequel Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I continued to make music privately alongside acting, and in 2018 I released two EPs under my name. I’m releasing my first full-length album in 10 years tomorrow.
How has being a mother impacted or influenced your career?
It’s made me SO much more motivated. I have been struggling with getting in my own way creatively pretty much my entire career- certainly since I was signed to the major label, and have spent large chunks of time paralyzed by fear into inaction. I don’t have the time to devote to self-sabotage anymore. I barely have time for a shower. It’s also something I really do not want to model for my child. I’m acutely aware that kids learn as much - if not more- by what they observe than what you consciously teach them and I want her to see me being an empowered and creative woman doing what I love to do. Also, pregnancy and childbirth made me realize how much grit and courage I possess, and it’s given me access to so much more of myself than I’ve ever had.
How do you separate and/or reconcile the glamour of your Hollywood career and your path as a mother?
The contrast is funny. As a musician, I’ve spent a lot of my career in sticky backstage dressing rooms (if there even is one) wearing flip flops to shower and cutting my bangs with nail scissors - there have been plenty of shiny moments of course but they’re always grounded and balanced with the state of the service station bathroom you had to use on the way to the gig. But acting, especially in something as classy as Fantastic Beasts - that’s a serious level of glamour that felt particularly weird and surreal post childbirth. My wonder mother-in-law and sister-in-law helped me look after the bubba because my partner was working away the week I had press. We were staying in this palatial hotel room together eating room service and the baby was getting food everywhere- I was trying to get rice cakes out of the carpet and dodge getting little yogurt fingers in my hair and it was weird and funny and surreal and a great way to ground. I never feel very comfortable in that level of luxury and doing press always makes me feel like an imposter, but f***ing hell was it nice to have someone make my bed and bring me food whenever I wanted it. I appreciated it so much more as a mother than I ever did before.
What was the inspiration and lyrics behind your song Peaches?
It started out being inspired by my dog Gertie, but obviously I couldn’t write a whole song about her (c’mon) so the lyrics were stuck for ages. Chris and I were getting close to finishing the record and Peaches still didn’t have lyrics and I was starting to panic. Around that time, my partner and I were starting to get ready to start trying again. I began having these dreams of this girl baby- they were so vivid and strong that when I woke up I ached for her so much it was almost unbearable. I wrote the lyrics about those dreams. A couple weeks later, our real life girl baby was conceived. Nuts timing.
Has being a mother changed your approach to your career?
Of course. It’s a work in progress. I am a very hands on mama, I love being with my kid and want to be there with her every minute of the day. But there came a point where I started to feel like I was disappearing, and I started to yearn for creativity. It made me less present when I was with her, and I noticed little tinges of resentment creeping in. We started getting some help with childcare, and even though it was so hard to hand her over to someone else, she had a great time with other people and learned so much from them, plus I finally had some time to re-discover myself as an artist. It made me realize how important that side of me is, and how I need to nurture it if I’m going to be the best mother to her that I have the capacity to be. But there’s always compromise, and guilt, and feeling conflicted. However, I made a movie earlier this month and my partner solo parented while I was away, and the two of them had the best time together and were even more deeply bonded when I came home. It’s good to know that I can go and she’ll still be ok.
Pregnancy
How has your journey to pregnancy? Did you plan to conceive when you did?
Our journey began with a loss, sadly. We conceived the first time by surprise, which was a complex thing to process, given that we hadn’t been together for very long. Even though we weren’t prepared for it, we jumped into it with both feet. We loved each other and we knew we wanted to start a family, and so we opened up our hearts to this little being. When I miscarried just shy of ten weeks, we were utterly devastated. My partner could barely get out of bed for a week. I felt like a ghost. I don’t think either of us was prepared for how rocked we felt.
Terrible as it was, that loss taught us so much. It brought us so much closer, wove us together in ways that might have otherwise taken years to do. Our grief showed us how deeply we both wanted a baby. I wanted to try again right away - I was terrified to have to sit with the way I was feeling without distraction - but he was more measured and said we should wait a few months, let my body recover, let our hearts recover, and try to have some fun before we started again. We were just at the start of the pandemic and the world felt heavy. We needed to try and find some lightness at some point before we went into trying again. As hard as that was for me to process at the time, I knew he was right. And so we waited.
That period of time was so important for me.
Things had come up for me -emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, ancestrally- in the pregnancy that had felt too overwhelming to deal with at the time. I had been consumed with anxiety during the pregnancy and I didn’t want to do that again. There were things I needed to deal with and I was glad for the chance to, hard as it was. There were things I didn’t want to carry into motherhood- trauma, rage - that had been passed onto me unconsciously. Things that had never belonged to me and I didn’t want to give to my child if I could help it. I have been on a journey of healing for quite a long time, but this felt urgent and specific. I didn’t want these things in my body anymore. I embarked on a journey to try and unearth as much hidden pain as I could, things that needed to be seen and felt in order to dissipate. Sacred medicinal song, ancestral healing, women’s ceremonies. Walking, journaling. Crying, screaming, listening. Being ripped open by my grief enabled me to access things that I had previously repressed. It was a messy, intense process but my partner is unbelievably kind and supportive and held me through it. He isn’t freaked out by big emotions, thankfully.
After a while, I was ready to have some fun, and in that tiny pocked of summer 2020 when Covid seemed like it might retreat into the shadows - ha - we did. We had dinners with friends outside in our tiny garden, went wild camping in Scotland. I wrote and recorded an album about it with the musicians that have now become not only my band but also dear friends. We drank a lot of wine, stayed up late, danced in the kitchen. I took my prenatal vitamins, did acupuncture, we ate well and I felt strong. I also tuned in with my cycle, which I had done before my first pregnancy as well. I knew when I was getting my period on the new moon that I was ovulating somewhere near the full - besides this being a lovely way to connect with nature and the wider universe, it was also just helpful in keeping track of where I was in my cycle. I promise you it’s not just woo woo haha.
When the time that we had decided to try again came around, we were ready- as ready as you can feel (which is never fully ready because it’s terrifying!). We conceived the first time.
What was your pregnancy like?
First trimester was pretty brutal. I felt like I had a 24/7 hangover. So nauseous, so tired. But the crappier I felt, the happier I was, because it meant my hormones were doing what they were supposed to. I mean when I say happy, I was super grumpy about it, but in an excited way. I filmed the third Fantastic Beasts throughout most of the pregnancy, from 9 weeks to 27 weeks. There were some night shoots that were pretty rough, and cold, in heels and a little dress, and a banquet scene where they were serving lobster and other seaside delights and I was standing near where all the plates were kept. I don’t think I will ever eat lobster again. The second trimester was wonderful. The third I got PGP and had trouble walking. Thankfully, I found Victoria Rock, who offers wonderful pregnancy pilates videos on her Instagram, and a magic osteopath a 6 minute walk from my house (which took me 15 on a bad day). The two of them helped me avoid ending up in crutches. By the end of the pregnancy, I was hot all the time, enormous, my right ankle would swell to double the left, I was cranky and impatient but also weirdly, just before I went into labor, calm calm calm.
Birth
Can you share your birth experience?
I was extremely fortunate in my birth experience. We had a false alarm two days before where my impatience to give birth had reached a fever pitch- I was 4 days past the due date and felt like a big sweaty pissed off hippo. I thought my water had broken and I wasn’t having contractions. Over the course of the day, I tried to force myself to have contractions, which isn’t possible, no matter how much guzzling of raspberry leaf tea and stomping around I did. I was texting Haley (Oakes) in California through this, who was so helpful I was so anxious and really disconnected from my partner, which was upsetting for both of us, and the whole thing felt out of control and overwhelming. I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I din’t want to be internally examined, but at a certain point we decided it had to be done. The waiting room at the hospital was horrible - some dude loudly tucking into a giant reeking kebab in a styrofoam box while his partner was silently in labor with some casualty show playing on the TV. And then I went in to be examined and the very kind nurse explained to me just how sterile the speculum was going to be, and so I let her examine me, after which she shortly pronounced me not in labor, water not broken and that we could go home.
Stunned, we walked back home from the hospital, holding hands, and we talked about how things had gone awry and how we do them differently. I felt an enormous sense of relief, and this huge shaking realization that this baby knew better than I did when she was ready to be born and I needed to surrender. Labor was not up to me. All my impatience and annoyance lifted, and I was just so grateful to have a second chance. This baby was going to come in her time. We had dinner in the garden, and the following day had such a mellow, gentle day. I did a Capricorn full moon ritual from Virginia Rosenberg, which involved an interpretive dance that must have been very funny to witness given how enormous I was, but was intensely emotional and powerful to do. I went to bed happy and grateful, and the following morning woke up to gentle contractions at 7 am that gradually grew more and more regular. I woke up my partner when they were coming every few minutes, and we spent the morning holding each other - oxytocin and safety are key in labor and touching someone you love is a powerful way to let your body know you are ready to go.
We waited until the contractions were coming regularly and had been for quite some time. Took a taxi - I was wearing sunglasses, an eye mask and noise cancelling headphones and was bellowing like a moose. The poor driver must have been terrified. I don’t remember. Didn’t care. I waited in the hallway until I was ready to be examined, was just dilated enough to be admitted to the birthing centre, where we were given an enormous suite with a birth ball, giant bed and birth pool big enough to swim in. It was heaven. Bless the NHS.
My doula arrived and she was wonderful and supportive to both my partner and I and together they smoothed out a communication issue with the birthing team. I had Strep B and one of the midwives thought I couldn’t have a water birth, but I’d gone through so much exhaustive communication with the hospital ahead of time and it had been agreed that I could- water births have actually been shown to lower the chances of passing on GBS. I turned into a mama dragon for a second when I thought I wasn’t going to be allowed into that f***ing pool. But then it was fine and that was that. After that small hitch, everything was so calm and smooth. My partner had made the most beautiful playlist of gentle, soothing music. The room was dimly lit with fairy lights. He held me through the contractions and was right there with me through every rise and fall. I felt so safe and loved and also powerful as hell. I couldn’t believe what my body was doing. Women are warriors.
I had intense contractions for hours. The tens machine was incredible. The only reason I took it off was to get in the shower, and those seconds where I was TENSless and not yet in the water were not fun. But then the shower, the wonderful shower…. my partner hosed me off for what felt like days- time was gone - he kept holding me through the contractions and then playing music and dancing and laughing with me between. It remains the best shower of my life. Because gas and air made me nauseous, and the brilliant TENS and shower were starting not to cut it, I was getting tired. When she was examining me, the midwife - who was absolutely wonderful, by the way- said that I was still at 3cm, which was so demoralizing, and the baby still hadn’t turned into the left side where she needed to be. I felt like I was failing - which was obviously not the case and wouldn’t be the case no matter what was happening, but when you’re in it it’s hard to see that -I asked her if she thought I could actually do this or should I get a c-section. She said she’d like to break my waters but beyond that she didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t do it. I said I needed some kind of pain relief or I wasn’t going to be able to carry on, so she gave me a shot of Pethidine, along with an anti nausea shot, which enabled me to also have gas + air…. mmm gas and airrrrrrr. I said some pretty funny things on gas + air. The Pethidine was brilliant and helped relax me for a little while, and when she broke my waters I dilated a cm immediately.
Two head lolling hours later, with my body fully wet-noodlized from the Pethidine, I started to feel like I needed to push and asked our midwife to fill up the birth pool. She, the doula and my partner might have had a conversation or maybe it was just a look, I was woozy and didn’t really know what was happening, but I got the gist that they thought I was too stoned on opiates to get into the water, and also it was unlikely I was dilated enough to need to push. At this point I was hell bent on getting into that tub, and so I said or roared to please fill it up make it too hot but I needed that water in there when I was ready and I was very close to being ready. I could feel something shifting, a gear switching. It was the craziest experience. This brilliant midwife, Pippa was her name, who I will forever be grateful to, listened to me and turned the faucets on. Pretty much as soon as the tub was full, I felt myself sober up and I looked my partner in the eyes with pupils that were pupils instead of soup and he said “she’s ready.”
Three surreal hours of slow pushing later, with my partner behind me in the tub holding my legs and cheering me on, our baby emerged. Pippa scooped her up and plopped her on my chest and there she was, heavy and breathing and nuzzling her way to my breast like a perfect wild little animal. It was the most beautiful, powerful, painful, cosmic experience of my life.
How did you prepare for birth?
We had done a beautiful Active Birth workshop with Hannah Kluman that was detailed and deeply empowering for both of us, and so going into labor we both felt fairly well-educated for what might come and how he could support me throughout labor. I also had read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and the Positive Birth Book, both of which are incredibly informative and inspiring. I’d done Spinning Babies throughout the pregnancy because the baby was positioned to the right instead of left, so I had an idea of how to move my body in labor to help facilitate that - and in fact ended up in an inversion during heavy labor with my doula to give the baby space to spin. It was not easy or fun and it definitely wasn’t cute but it did work.
I would like to say that I had set up expectations of myself that I wouldn’t have any pain relief beyond TENS, water and maybe some gas + air. I felt a kind of ambient pressure to have a fully natural birth- certainly not from the hospital, but from certain schools of thought around birth- that I wouldn’t be having the full beautiful birth experience, or that I wasn’t strong enough or I was somehow doing my child a disservice by getting pain relief… but when I was actually in labor, I was absolutely floored by how little control I had in the whole thing, and also how much my contractions weren’t just “sensations” - a sensation is a bug walking down your arm, not being pulled apart by wild horses. All I could do was listen to my body and try to continue to open and soften into the tidal waves. But it was still pain, even if it was a good pain, and pain is exhausting. Had I not had the Pethidine, I think my tired body would have started to resist against the onslaught and tense up. I could feel it happening. My birth was absolutely exquisite, the most intense spiritually and physically transformative experience, and I don’t feel like it was compromised by the fact that I needed pain relief.
Postpartum
What was your postpartum experience like?
I’d done quite a bit of reading - including The First 40 Days, which is beautiful- and had spoken to women I love and respect, including lovely Haley who gave invaluable advice throughout the whole pregnancy and into birth - and I felt that I really was going to need time to cocoon post-birth, so we planned for it. My partner, baby and I cuddled up in the bedroom whenever he wasn’t taking care of us - he was so incredible, making me pesto pasta at 3am when I was ravenous from breastfeeding, cleaning, shopping, crying, holding us together. My mother in law came on day 3 and was a lifesaver, cooking, cleaning and squeezing my hand while I sobbed from the hormones and the milk pouring out of me and the sheer emotion of it all. I didn’t leave the bedroom for a week and it was another week downstairs before I could get myself together to walk to get a coffee. I found the world outside really hard to process after the experience I’d just had, and it was a long time before I could really handle interacting with people outside of my little family.
How did you prepare for postpartum during your pregnancy?
We’d moved into our house when I was 6 months pregnant and my PGP was really bad, and I think I was struggling with a bit of depression from it, and also my partner was away working a lot, which was hard, so I wasn’t feeling particularly energized. A lot of the home settling fell on my partner, which he did like crazy when he wasn’t working and then kicked into high gear once he finished. I found myself glued to google researching stuff like the best bottle sterilizer (which I barely used because kid wasn’t interested in bottles until she was nearly a year old) and the best organic cotton muslins and trying to figure out what stuff we actually needed vs. just thought we’d need. I did as much creatively as I could because I figured it would be a while before I could do anything, and we were mixing Still Come the Night until I was pretty much in labor. I wish we’d done construction when we moved in, wish that I’d been able to do yoga and Pilates classes while pregnant, but it was the pandemic and we did the best we could.
What do you personally believe are the most important things in aiding postpartum recovery both mentally and emotionally?
Listen to what you need and ask for support in getting it. I needed to be fed and looked after but I didn’t want visitors really. I needed darkness and time with my baby and partner to bond without distractions. I needed the support of my mother-in-law and she was there, and my dad and his partner were as well. Some women need friends and walks and to get outside. Whatever you need, ask for it. I had a feeling I was going to be emotionally shattered and I was, and I prepared for that by letting the people I love who would be around me know that. When I was a little further into the 4th trimester, I connected with other mothers who were as raw and busted open as I was, and it was so helpful to talk and cuddle our babies together with our dirty hair and our ludicrously big boobs. Also my father-in-law made me bone broth (because I asked for it and he’s the best) and it was like heaven in a bowl. Warm food, clean sheets, sitz baths… small things were huge comforts.
Motherhood
How did you find the shift to your identity/role as a mother?
I did a lot of work to prepare for it because as I mentioned earlier I was afraid I would repeat patterns passed along through generations of my family. Things that were damaging and I wanted to end with me… I did women’s circles and work with my brilliant friend Lauren Wilce to work through ancestral wounds and trauma that was blocking my way to motherhood. When I was pregnant, I thought a lot about the mother I wanted to be- but I found it so hard to conceptualize what actual motherhood would be like. When I gave birth, so much that had been theoretical and abstract became irrelevant- motherhood became simply about taking care of this tiny person and my identity as mother materialized on its own through mothering, and is constantly evolving as I deepen into it. What I found harder than shifting my identity to mother was then learning as if from scratch how to be myself as an individual again, and as an artist, because who I was before no longer existed. I had to build a new identity from what felt like the ground up, and that has been challenging and also such a gift. I have been able to pick and choose what I want to resuscitate from my old life, and leave (hopefully) things that no longer serve. It’s a work in progress (what isn’t??)
What advice would you go back and tell your pregnant self?
You don’t need to worry so much. You’ve got this. Your body is brilliant and your head is mostly just going to get in the way, so try not to listen to the noise and the million conflicting opinions on Google about what doing it right looks like and instead tune into the wonders that are happening inside you.
What has motherhood taught you about yourself?
That I am a badass. I have more strength, more resilience, far more inner reserves than I ever imagined. That I have far more capacity to love than I knew. That I am far more capable than I understood. That I am no longer a victim. That I chose this life, this love- I built it- with my partner- I can take care of it and deserve it. And also that I am allowed to make mistakes, she is forgiving - as long as I own up to them and repair them with her very consciously and carefully and do better the next time, I’m less likely to scar her for life than I thought. Well, she’s still tiny, so I guess I won’t know for sure until she’s old enough for therapy. But I think she’s going to be ok.
What is one piece of advice you would like to give other mothers?
Reach out. Ask for help. Talk about what you’re going through. Don’t judge yourself for not looking the way Instagram makes motherhood look. I cannot tell you how messy every aspect of my life has been in this transition. I don’t post about it because it looks horrendous, but trust me, I’m not the only one. You’re doing way better than you think.
What is next for you?
Trying to work on and hopefully finish as many creative projects as I can. Continue parenting my little bean. Maybe go on a romantic trip with my partner at some point(!!!) And possibly organize the basement. Big plans.